By Your Side

Today I was feeling Overwhelmed (a mix of red, teal, blue, purple, and dark green). It was a cocktail of all the emotions generally felt when needs aren’t being met. I was informed that my school is actively seeking to replace me next fall. They want to take the company in a different direction, and are hoping to have a more senior teacher in the position. Obviously this was shocking (teal) news, and I wasn’t super happy about the situation, but at least they are giving me a few months notice. Long story short, it’s been a rough few days.

A song that has been a song playing in the back of my mind since I got the news, By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North. A little history on this song, I heard it in passing while alone and depressed in Washington D.C. years ago. Remembering that time, and the song itself, have become a dull ripple from the depths of my mind, that has been creating a calming hum. The last two lines of the chorus to be exact.

’cause I’ll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don’t fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Today I was going to another branch to teach a Saturday afternoon class, and I did something I only do about once or twice a year… I missed getting off at the correct MRT station. I got off the train, and crossed to the other platform to go back the way I came, but the screen said there were a few minutes left to wait. My back has been acting up a bit again because of the weather, so I looked for a bench to sit down on. There were people on them, so I kept walking. I saw this:

Hands

The plaque was very nice too, so I’ll share what it said. Try to look past the broken English, and just feel it. After you read it, pause for a moment to try and feel all the people who have ever sat in these hands.

Wandering in a quiet, green park, feel tired? How about take some rest in a chair? A Chair is a comfortable company for humans; no matter people are in psychological or physical fatigues. The shape of this sculpture derives from the hand gesture that meditators often use, called “Samadhimudra”, which symbolizes the fluctuating emotions. The transformation of this gesture into a useful chair can be compared to the elevation of a fun life to a metaphysical lever. Sitting on it could invite insights to the passengers’ minds; children climb on it as well. This sculpture serves for various functions; it is reflective, visually amusing, fun to play with, and it is useful as a chair itself. In real life, very often, a minor stuff has certain temperament to induce our insight. Chairs are often no exception. This piece of work is a miniature of national park. As such the creator of this artpiece names it “Small Park”

All of the overwhelming emotions are still here. I still feel hurt, tired, and angry. But at that moment, waiting for a train, they no longer felt as heavy.  In the midst of a very dark moment, I have been wishing that actual hands would hold and comfort me. I felt tired of symbolic or imaginary hands, and wanted real hands to hold me. A rare mistake on a route I only take to teach a class a few times a month brought me to these.

I couldn’t ask for more.

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Knight of Habitica

The adventure has begun! Quests have been accepted! Avatars have been damaged!

Today I feel a mix of Contempt (purple and red mixed) and Joy (yellow).

On one had, I got a lot of things done today. Dishes, some backed up recycling, and some admin stuff for work. Most of the habits I’m trying to work on (or keep going) are in the green. I gained a level, and got some gold. I assigned an amount of gold that an hour of “Reward Time” costs, and spent all of it. Now that I know how much gold I get in a day, I need to adjust that cost a bit, but overall it’s like a budget of time. I still worry a bit that getting left out of the monster fighting part might leave me bored with the game all too soon, but it’s on a good start.

On the other hand… all the things I did were things taking care of my general life and home. Things like taking the time to cook, and tidy up. Important for sure, and will start to affect my overall mood and motivation levels… but I didn’t really get much solid work done. I lost over half my health, and almost died getting to level two.

It’s really hard to look at what I did, and not focus on what I didn’t do. I’m still judging myself pretty hard for the parts I didn’t do and feel like I’m only doing the easy stuff to get what I want. Of course some adjustments to rewards over time should help with that… but I want everything to be perfect now damn it… if only reality worked that way.

I don’t know if I should be more relaxed with myself, be happy for what I did do, realize what time of year it is, and give myself a break… or if I should be tougher on myself and crack that whip.

If nothing else, at least I’m getting xp and gold for writing this.

Motivation & Habit

I feel Interest (orange) and Apprehension (dark green) toward Habitica.

This website was recently left for me in a comment by @Jeremey on one of my last posts (which was posted a long time ago… I haven’t done any personal writing in a long time). I’ve tried a website like this before, and it ended up being more work and sucking more time than actually doing the tasks I wanted to do. This one seems to have much… much less work involved. And it has a phone app, so I can deal with it on my bus commutes rather than other more productive times.

While the system seems much more developed than things I have tried before, I worry that I will need to party with people to actually fight monsters… which I don’t really know how to get, and the phone app seems limited on FAQ type information. We’ll see how long it keeps my interest and how much it helps, but here’s hoping! If it works, I just might become more active on this blog again…. I get gold for doing this, which I will need soon to have video game time.

March 28th, 2017

Today I feel Disappointment (blue and teal mixed) and Frustration (red).

Old college habits of procrastination are still alive and well it seems as I try to adjust to working a lot more from home. I’ve had to burn a lot of time every day recently to finish some project work, and it’s going to be interesting to see how close to the deadline I get if I want to be paid for that work this month.

Looks like I’ve got a lot of small habits to change. Maybe rather than trying to change my whole schedule and life, I should start changing small habits one at a time. We’ll see how it goes from here.

March 20th, 2017

Today I feel Joyful (yellow).

7-11 started selling my favorite popcorn again! For those that don’t understand… this popcorn can turn any bad day into a good day with one bite. After the bag is done, nothing is bad anymore. The end.

March 19th, 2017

Today I feel Interest (orange).

I recently have spent some time with an LGBT community group. I haven’t gone to many meetings because I usually have work, but it is a nice group of people just to sit and chat with and not have to worry about anything. Actually played cards the last time I went.

Anyway, the group has started up a bilingual blog, and asked if I would be willing to write something. I’m not sure what yet, and I will probably wait till I catch my life back up, but I’m interested in writing something. I might also do a little editing work now and then.

I’ll be sure to link my article when I finally write it. Until then, feel free to check it out: http://www.queerious.tw/

Silence Ends

Recently I have been feeling rather Depressed (blue).

It’s been a few years since I felt so down. All motivation was drained from me, and there were a few days I wasn’t eating as well as I should have. I seem to be back to normal, and am now making time to write again. My poor book hasn’t been updated with a new chapter in ages, something I am just a few hundred words away from remedying.

I’m not 100% sure I’m back to full power yet, and I have a lot of work I am behind on. I do plan to keep the blog going though! So stay tuned.